As soon as 7 year-old Billy Hoopsdim bounded from the car to join his little league team, the Gopherville Go-getters, Sam, from the opposing team, knew something was not quite right. Billy never has that much energy or spring to his step; what is going? Sure enough, as soon as the game started, Billy hit the ball and gained two bases, an unprecedented event. Never. Sam had to tell his coach something was off. Coach Lionel Barry approached Billy and immediately detected the sweet smell of Caprisun juice, an item that’s been on the banned snack list for the Munchkin League for the past two years due to its high fructose corn syrup. Coach Barry then checked Billy’s bag and saw 4 empty Caprisun juice boxes. Billy was ejected from the game and his parents, Amanda Sue and Larry, issued a warning.
Meanwhile, another second-grader, Jeff Miller, tested positive for doping and been indefinitely suspended from his softball team, The Hedgehogs. “I normally wouldn’t test players this young,” said Munchkin League administrator Tom Glover. “But I noticed some bright orange, um, residue in the urinals at the bathroom near the softball field. I ordered that all the junior leagues be tested. ” Jeff told this reporter that he didn’t realize that the cartoon shaped colored pills — he called them “candies”– would lead him down a path ruin. He reported finding them in a bowl on the shelf by the phone, and his mother, while declining to speak to the Gazette, did mutter some expletives about childproof lids. “They taste good,” Jeff said, “especially the Barney Rubble ones.
Are the above events just isolated incidents, or are they a sign that our children are learning pernicious life lessons from their big sports heroes? The Gopherville Gazette welcomes your thoughts in the coming weeks.