NATIONAL: Clinton emails reveal a taste for Cheesy Cheese Dip

An in-depth investigation into Clinton’s Department of State emails this last week revealed several messages in which Clinton asked her aides to pick up Velveeta cheese  and diced tomatoes with green chilies at the grocery store, suggesting that the Presidential hopeful may have a penchant for local specialty, Cheesy Cheese  Dip (known elsewhere as “Queso” or just “Cheese Dip”). Based on this new intelligence,  Mayor David Meyer stated his intention to invite Ms. Clinton  to be a special guest at Gopherville’s next annual Cheesy Cheese Dip Festival.

Don’t forget to see our Recipe of the Week.  (Hint: it has cheese in it!)



SPORTS: Doping/Juicing Scandals Rock Gopherville

As soon as 7 year-old Billy Hoopsdim bounded from the car to join his little league team, the Gopherville Go-Getters, Sam, from the opposing team, knew something was not quite right.  Billy never had that much energy.  What was going on, he wondered.  Sure enough, as soon as the game started, Billy hit the ball and gained two bases, an unprecedented event. “That had never happened before,” said Sam. “Never.” Sam had to tell his coach something was off. Coach Lionel Barry approached Billy and immediately detected the sweet smell of CapriSun juice, an item that’s been on the banned snack list for the Munchkin League for the past two years due to its high fructose corn syrup. Coach Barry then checked Billy’s bag and saw 4 empty CapriSun juice boxes. Billy was ejected from the game and his parents, Amanda Sue and Larry, were issued a warning.

Meanwhile, a third-grader, Jeff Miller, tested positive for doping and has been indefinitely suspended from his softball team, The Hedgehogs. “I normally wouldn’t test players this young,” said Munchkin League administrator Tom Glover.  “But I noticed some bright orange, um, residue in the urinals at the bathroom near the softball field. I ordered that all the Junior Leaguers be tested. ”  Jeff told this reporter  that he didn’t realize that the cartoon shaped colored pills — he called them  “candies”– would lead him down such a path to ruin.  He said he found them in  a bowl  on the bookshelf. Jeff’s mother, while declining to speak to the Gazette, mumbled something about childproof lids.    “They taste good,” Jeff said, “especially the Barney Rubble ones.”

Are the above events just isolated incidents, or are they a sign that our children are learning pernicious life lessons from their big sports heroes?  The Gopherville Gazette welcomes your thoughts in the coming weeks.  Leave a reply below.


HEADLINES: Large croc spotted in Lake Gopherville, no injuries reported

Thelma Raritan spotted a crocodile floating under the low-hanging trees on the Northwest edge of Lake Gopherville last Saturday morning.  Thelma and her husband, Frank, decided not to attend church to take advantage of the sparse crowds and unusually still waters. It was around 10 a.m. when Thelma spotted the “unusually large” crocodile.

Frank Raritan  declined to speak to this reporter but  yelled out “It was a damn log,” several times during the interview with Ms. Raritan, while he continued  to watch television and drink his Coors Light.

When this reporter asked whether it might have been an alligator rather than a crocodile, Ms. Raritan looked thoughtfully out of the window and took an intake on her cigarette.  “You know, it might have been,” she said.  “I didn’t see the teeth.” She explained that the only thing distinguishing between an alligator and crocodile is some aspect of  their teeth.  When asked further about that difference,  she tapped her ashes out into a nearby mug already full up with  cigarette ash.  “ You know, I really can’t recall.”

Whatever the difference, we’re glad that the crocodile (or alligator) didn’t do any harm to Thelma or Frank!

Ask Amy

ASK AMY: Lunchtime Dilemma

Dear Amy,

Monday lunches with my colleagues at my law firm are becoming unbearable.  None of the attorneys can ever reach a decision on where to go, saying things like, for example,  “Applebee’s has a well-established precedent of serving stale onion rings”or “Taco Bell discriminates in supplying sporks. I want to eat my taco salad with a spork, but they only provide one with the refried beans– let me provide a 3-pronged analysis as to why this is wrong…” It goes on and on! What should do?

-Longing for Lunch

Dear Longing,

I see a couple of options.  Just say which restaurant you’re going to and then say “So ordered!” Likely they will cave.  Alternatively, since no one can  bill for lunch arguments. you can skip lunch to  become the firm’s top biller while your colleagues wallow in indecision.

Good luck!